Woman, 46, goes insane in grocery store

Yes. That would be me. Have I mentioned yet that I HATE to grocery shop? That crowds give me panic attacks? That I am a lapsed diabetic?

I HAD to grocery shop, as all that was left in the kitchen was a casserole dish with week-old baked beans. For lunch, I had shared my cottage cheese with the husband God gave me. For breakfast at 7 it was peanut butter on whole wheat. Float this on several mugs of coffee and a donut (thus the 'lapse').

At 3:30 we left to grocery shop. The location of our house gives us a choice of three large stores in one chain to choose from. Suffice it to say, we chose the wrong one.

Because the husband God gave me worked for 24 years in a grocery store, he does not like to grocery shop either. But, he is at least good at it. I am good at reading. Alone. At home.

We had to walk what felt like seven miles up hill to get into the store, parking was so scarce. There were only three carts left, and we each took one. THGGM went one way, I went another.

Then, I went insane. First, while looking for the big box of green tea. There were none. Oh, there was a place for it. But, it was empty. Although, the only way to know for sure that it was empty, was to get on my hands and knee (i have one knee i can no longer kneel on) and lay my head on the bottom shelf. As I twirled my arm around hoping to nab the nonexistent tea, I was almost sure I could hear a faun sipping tea with a white witch.

The aisles were full of frightening looking hairy men leaning on huge carts filled with boxes of what I am sure were green beans for 33 cents. Everywhere. Green beans. These men and their carts blocked everything I was looking for. This caused traffic jams like nothing I have ever seen reported in the news. It also increased my insanity. This is not helped by the fact that I have to lay my nose on an item to see it's price. Either that, or stand on the other side of the aisle and try to read it from a distance, which wasn't possible, as the other side of the aisle was full of other insane shoppers trying to scale the green bean cart with ski poles and hiking boots, as a polite 'excuse me' brought no response from the frightening looking hairy men.

I made a friend on the floor of the bean aisle. The small cans of great northern beans were WAY in the back of the bottom shelf. This again required me to squat in an undignified way. She was looking for 'white' beans, per her recipe for white bean chili. I was able to assure her that great northern beans are white. I also told her she would love the recipe. From the other side of the bottom shelf, I'm sure I heard the white witch pulling white beans into an alternate reality.

In the milk aisle, I met a family that had made a day of joyful shopping. They all had smiles. No wonder. The entire family was there. Four carts worth. All side by side. Aunts, uncles, cousins, newborn baby, great-great grandmother wrapped in a shawl. They happily consulted on everything. The lack of tea and over abundance of green beans did not seem to bother them. They smiled as if being together with their entire family in the milk aisle of the grocery store at 3:30 on a Sunday afternoon was the greatest joy in their lives. It isn't mine. Especially not when I am insane.

By this time I am starting to be really really extremely thirsty. And a bit shaky. THGGM is looking for paint, a particular joy of his. He did happen to find me, and I ripped up bits of my grocery list to give to him.

I headed to the produce section. Did I miss the memo on the price of pecans? They have skyrocketed. This angered the already insane me. Yet, I could buy a bag of yellow potatoes for one dollar. I'm not supposed to be eating potatoes much anymore, or donuts. There is considerably more room for a cart in the produce section, so I stopped to check my list. I'd missed two items, but refused to go back for them. Remember the good old days when if you needed lettuce, you went to the lettuce bin and picked out a head that didn't have brown leaves? I miss those simpler days. Although I DO like buying romaine in a bag.

When we got home THGGM suggest that I actually prepare a meal from this food that I had sacrificed my sanity to get. No. I want this food. I don't want to actually eat it, as then I will have to go through this horror to get more. He won. We had white chicken chili. It was good. I hope my new friend enjoyed hers, and that the white witch burned her tongue.