This picture is at least ten years old.
I believe it was taken at Youngest Son's 8th grade graduation.
My mom is four inches taller than her mom.
I am three inches taller than my mom.
Daughter is three inches taller than I am.
How tall is New Baby going to be???
This is a picture of how I will always picture my mom.
It wasn't long after this that my mom had 'a talk' with me. She told me that she was really starting to fear that she was 'losing it'. Of course, I brushed this off, as I didn't see it. Or, I didn't want to see it.
Anyway, she made me listen.
One thing that she told me was that she feared looking dowdy. She had an aunt who was a very classy lady. Even when she began to developed Alzheimer's my great uncle was able to keep her looking classy and well put together.
My mom's fear? My dad would not be able to do this for her.
And it's true. He can't. While it is important to my dad that colors match, he has never had a problem with mixing plaids. When my mom had her breast cancer surgery, she told me that if she died to be sure to sew "Grr-animal" tags to all of his clothes. "You can wear a giraffe with an elephant, but never with a zebra."
The sad thing is, I'm about as into fashion as my dad is. And, to put it frankly, my mom is looking dowdy. While I don't mix plaids, I do tend to wear way too much blue. At least it matches.
This whole thing has me so upset. She trusted me to have her leaving the house looking socially acceptable, but I feel as if I am failing her there.
It mattered SO much to her.
If I seem distant or like I am not writing much it is because I am delving into the world of memory.
And, I'm not coming up with much.
What are we without our memories?
What makes us 'persons'?
What happens when what makes us who we are is gone?
Where does it go?
Where IS the memory of someone struggling with dementia?
IS there a way to retrieve memories from other portions of the brain?
Baby Boy has been SUCH a God-send to my mom. He triggers in her all that was good and happy in her life. They adore each other.
But it all just makes me wonder...
...are we anything more than our memories?
This was the ONE thing my mom did not want to have happen to her. She did not want to wither away like her aunt.
Sadly, her aunt and uncle died in a car accident when they were in their late eighties.
I'm sure Aunt Hattie was thankful to get her memory back.
I've been married for almost 29 years. My sisters are older than me.
The other night my mom asked dad, "Are the kids home yet?".
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9 comments:
Oh...Judy, I am so sorry!! We know how others view us when we go to town looking not so good... This may be a dumb idea, but you are very good with a camera...maybe you could go over to your mom's and take photos of her outfits that match and make it up into a book for your dad and tell him to use that to dress her. I love to wear blue too, though some shades fade me out...but I feel so good in blue! Don't apologize for wearing what makes you feel good!! I used to even do better on tests in college when I wore something I loved...funny thing! I think in so many things in life, we simply just have to live through them and beg GOD for extra help...and cry a lot when we are alone. There is a much better day coming...focus on that!
My grandma was much like your mom. She died with very little dementia. And so she was able to maintain herself and her appearance until the end. She was always such a classy lady.
Something my grandma used to do is to go get her hair done. My grandma would then maintain it until she went again. I don't know if she knew how to do her own hair. Anyway...
This leads to my real thought for you. I wonder if you could take your mom to the hairdressers on occasion. I know that would be my grandma's solution.
Also, does your daughter have a bit better sense of such things? Maybe it is a type of gene that skips a generation. I would bet she'd be willing to help too.
I wish you luck in this tough time. It is so hard to have those we love drift away from us.
Judy... I'm so sorry you are going through this. I *love* Elizabeth's idea about the photos of outfits. And I would say to just do the best you can one day at a time, not fearing the future... and also if you can, try to find comfort that your mom is no longer stressed-out about what she wears. I mean, our clothes are only a small part of who we are, even though the world would tell us differently. But (I know you know this) God sees our heart and it's the inner woman that counts to Him and perhaps somewhere deep inside your mother she realizes that now. (And to answer one of your questions, I believe that's who we really are--that inner woman of the heart which speaks with God.)
Perhaps your mother spends more time in that peaceful place inside her heart now than before... and she needs your patience most now, more than she needs to look like her aunt did... I'm just guessing and trying to hand some comfort your way.... Please just take one day at a time and I believe God will lead you step by step and then you can find comfort in being led by Him. Blessings, Debra
It's hard, but you haven't said that your mother is unhappy. I hope that is so. I'm pretty darn sure you do what you can, so don't beat yourself up. you can't do what you can't do.
The hairdresser and having your daughter help with the clothes, or taking pictures, are all good ideas. I'm sure it would be a relief to you to help your mom and at the same time not have to take it all on yourself. It sounds like you have a full plate as it is.
{{{{hugs}}}}}
I'm living something similar with my mother who is 84. My dad passed away 11 years ago. My mother is living alone, but I don't know how much longer this will be an option. Along with the memory loss, there is paranoia and she is in a constant state of turmoil. I also live in that turnmoil as her care giver. She is always angry and has no quality of life. I really don't have advice to offer other then to call on the Lord - that is where my strength and peace comes from - though somedays it seems like I call and call and call! My other concern is that this is a preview of what my life will be in 20 years. But, why look for trouble, I just have to pray and I will also remember you as I do.
Blessings!
I hope it never happens to my mom, because I would have the same issues as you. My mom cares FAR more about her appearance than I do and I'm sure I'd never get it right.
I feel for you. As much as it was horrible to lose my dad so early and so suddenly, I'm glad I didn't have to watch him deteriorate the way we watched my grandpa (his father).
Thank you for your helpful comments.
When Daughter came to bring Baby Boy today, I told her about the suggestion that she help me with this.
Then, we both threw back our heads and laughed!
THGGM would be the better choice. I just cannot seem to convince him to add one more job to his Sunday morning routine.
Wherever the essence of the human spirit goes with dementia or stroke, I don't have the answer. But as sad as my Dad's situation was, I got great comfort one day when I went to visit him and actually found him awake. I asked him what he dreamed about now that he slept so much of the time and he told me, "Back when you kids were little." Well, in my family's life together, those were truly happy years...the only ones we ever really had. And knowing that's where his damaged mind chose to dwell...well, it touched my heart in a way I can't explain. Judy, don't be hard on yourself over all this. Remember, when our parents were young and focused on taking care of US, most of their parents didn't live on to the ages ours are now. They didn't have families AND parents to care for like our Baby Boomer generation does. I don't think the good Lord expects us to be super-human. None of us are capable of doing any more than the best we can, given the situation. Yours with your parents is very hard, but we who read your blog know that you love them with all your heart, and in doing THAT, you're giving them the best. A lot of child/parent relationships truly suffer at times like these...a lot of adult children don't want to step up to home plate and deal with it. I, for one, admire you tremendously.
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