I Cannot Think of a Title for This

Thank you for your kind comments to the post below. They are all deeply appreciated by THGGM and me.

What the next few days will be like, we do not know. THGGM's family is extremely dysfunctional. I understand that all families have their dysfunction, but with only three members, the dysfunction stands out, oh so much more.

As much as THGGM's brother drove us nearly insane, even causing us to have to make a quick move to protect our children, he was once a dearly loved little boy.

I first met him when he was five years old and newly transferred to the school where I was a mature sixth grader, in charge of the office. But, with his arrival, extra hands were needed in his kindergarten classroom, so sometimes I helped out during snack time. He was an adorable little boy.

He had white/blond hair and the palest of blue eyes. I had no idea that his brother was the new kid in the sixth grade, because they did not have the same last name. It took me several years before I put that together...

...not until I was in the 10th grade and dating his brother. The cute boy with the white/blond hair and the palest of blue eyes was now pouring buckets of garter snakes on my windshield. And growing marijuana in his backyard. He also asked me to marry him. With a real diamond ring. I held out for his older brother.

I don't think I have ever met anyone as hyperactive as he was. He spent his elementary years riddled with Ritalin. In every sort of trouble one can imagine. Mostly, he could charm his way out of it.

As he grew older, the only one he could still charm was his mother. THGGM saw very early on that to maintain any sort of normal family life for his new family, he would need to separate himself from the insanity.

I could not accept this. It didn't fit with my ideals of what a family 'should' do. So, THGGM made valiant efforts to continue to be the good son.

Eventually it became clear that to continue on in this way was enabling things to spiral downward and was actually causing more harm than good.

You are familiar with the symbol of the 'elephant in the room' that no one talks about? There was not just one elephant. There were herds and herds of elephants.

Any attempt on THGGM's part to try to do anything at all to shine light on the situation was met with a very firm "I'm so glad I have the Lord. I do not know what I would do without the Lord." This actually meant "Shut the damn up! We are not going to talk about this!" It also meant that all that was required of THGGM was that he aid in bailing his brother out of whatever trouble he had gotten himself into.

He was a very interesting person. And we all loved him. That makes it all the sadder. To watch someone you love destroy themselves and to stand by unable to respond was an awful way to live. We lived watching this for 12 years, with only a narrow driveway separating our homes. We watched, and said very little about what was happening with him to our children. But they had eyes and ears.

I remember the day one of our children announced: "When I grow up I want to be just like Uncle S!" Of course, I sputtered out a horrified "WHY?!" The answer was the beginning of many changes in how we responded to the insanity. "Because he lives at home and doesn't have to work. He does whatever he wants all day long." Not quite the definition of a grown-up I wanted my children emulating. We quit ignoring things.

That did not sit well with the elephant herds.

In the early morning hours one Sunday THGGM answered the phone. All I heard was "I'll be right over." He went nextdoor. I got up to see an ambulance pull up. It was another suicide attempt. This one was almost successful. He had cut himself severely while locked in his bedroom. He truly almost did not survive and never lost those hideous jagged scars.

Being the good son THGGM did not want his mother to have to deal with 'the mess'. 'The mess' must be the most untalked about aspect of suicide. While I took our three kids to church, THGGM donned gloves and spent the morning cleaning up his brother's blood. He did a very thorough job. As he went into the basement to deposit blood-soaked sheets and towels into the washing machine, he slipped in a large pool of blood that had seeped through the floor boards. An equally vile mess awaited his cleaning in the basement.

THGGM did have a once in a life time 'deep' talk with his brother. When he was hospitalized. They had so much in common, yet nothing at all in common. Neither of them ever had any sort of relationship with their own father. They talked about this. THGGM tried very hard to express his own faith, and how God had worked tremendous healing in his life. His brother found this all very interesting. But, emphatically stated that he did not believe in God. Satan, yes, as he claimed to have met him. But not God.

I wonder sometimes what life would have been like for his brother had he a father who loved him. His father sent an abortionist to get rid of him before he was born. THGGM remembers that night clearly, occasionally he still has nightmares about it.

It does not appear that his death was by suicide. Years of abusing alcohol and drugs do dastardly things to a body. He went to bed not feeling well and never woke up.

Sadly, death will not take the elephant herds.

He was an adorable white/blond haired little boy with the palest of blue eyes. I wish his life had turned out differently than it did. But...

... you get what you get.