Irreconcilable Differences (First appeared in May of 2006) In Honor of Valentine's Day

Goodness.

If Irreconcilable Differences is a reason to get divorced, I cannot believe that I am still married.

The Husband God Gave Me and I have SO many irreconcilable differences that we could marry and divorce every day for the rest of our lives.

His snoring is enough to drive me insane. I like to sleep ALL night. But, I no longer can, as I must kick start him back to life. He quits breathing so often I cannot believe he is still alive. Hence, I don't dare sleep. He goes to the sleep clinic August 1st. The papers came today. Maybe we can reconcile this one.

He likes celebrity news shows. I like the History Channel. He has a habit of changing the channel when I am in the middle of something. "Oh. Were you watching that?" If my eyes are on the TV, chances are I am 'watching that'. Arghhh.

Whenever he unwraps something, he hands the paper to me. I do not know why. I DO save a lot of scraps, but not shrink plastic or candy wrappers.

THGGM is terribly fussy about his ironing. He will not let me iron his shirts. Says he doesn't want two or three creases going down his arm. Well. Imagine that.

Presently, I only own five pairs of shoes. Black heels, ivory heels, beige slip-on flats, black clogs and my favorite Dr. Shoals. He has developed long term relationships with more pairs of shoes than I have ever owned in my life. If he asks "Can you bring me my brown loafers" I usually end up getting a review of brown vs. burgundy. In a dark closet, they look the same to me.

Oh, and his belt MUST always match his shoes. Even though his belt no longer shows.

I am the owner of six pair of identical navy blue socks. He, on the other hand, owns socks in every hue of every color in the spectrum.

I love to play Scrabble. He doesn't. Yet, he always wins.

THGGM has shy kidneys. My kidneys are extremely outgoing.

He likes to sleep on a nicely made bed with smooth sheets. I could sleep on a dog, six magazines, a book and a pair of jeans.

He also needs a fan going to sleep. I like to sleep in quiet.

I love to read in bed. Until the book falls and I am asleep. He likes to sleep in the dark. Pitch dark.

He loves the beach. I love the woods.

THGGM loves to eat Chinese food from the mall. Ack. Double Ack.

When he is ill, he wants to be left totally alone. When I am ill I want to keep telling him just how ill I am. And how even if he has had the same illness, mine is just a bit worse.

I love books. He thinks they make dandy coasters. My beloved copy of "My Utmost for His Highest" looks like it has the Olympic symbol on the cover.

It is important to him that his darks and whites are washed separately. It matters not a wit to me. I do not intend for anyone to see my underwear, ever. Anyway, 'bluing' has always been known to perk up whites.

I like the dining room chairs just as they are. He wants to paint them black.

He said "Let's take up the horrid carpet in the bedroom!" I said, "No. There is a sticky pad under it." We now have sticky pad carpet in our bedroom. I don't like it. He won't talk about it.

THGGM likes to get where we are going. I like to meander like a shallow stream.

He likes to sit on the front porch so he can see everything that's going on. I like to be in the fenced in backyard were I can pretend that nothing is going on.

He likes sun. I like shade. Which means, he gets tan, I glow in the dark.

I like museums and nature preserves. He likes shopping malls and crowded art festivals.

He likes all curtains open and blinds up. I would wear a burka if I knew were to get one.

THGGM irons linen napkins to relax. He also clips coupons to relax. And, he cleans the house to relax. The only way I can relax is if I take Vicodin - which I don't. So I never relax. I sit very very still and LOOK relaxed, but I am not.

Classical music. We both like it. Although, he likes Bach adaggio's that make me depressed. I like Beethoven and trilly happy sounds. With the exception of Moonlight Sonata. I do like that.

He likes country music. It sounds like a migraine to me.

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As we approach our TWENTY-EIGHTH Wedding Anniversary I will attempt to find time to drone on about what we HAVE reconciled.

But, most importantly, I love him and he loves me. And that love covers a multiple of irreconcilable differences.