What I Did Not Know Then

Thirty three years ago today was a very sad day in my life.
On that December 15 THGGM and I lost our very first baby.  I had happily made it to the second trimester. We had already begun to decorate the sweet little nursery in our happy little apartment in what used to be an old boarding house.  My mom had already made me one of her famous heavy flannel baby blankets and we had gone together to craft shows to pick up cute little things like booties and bibs.  THGGM and I had made a few baby furniture purchases also.  Our hospital classes were complete and we thought we knew everything.
There are things in everyone's life that one just doesn't talk about.  Those things happened to us on that night.  Things that are hidden behind a door that has been tightly shut, but if opened just a teeny crack are visible in glaring bright light as if they are happening now.  The bright yellow of the ER room appears, the red sweep hand on the clock goes round and round, the hospital smells overwhelm, and the pure emotion grabs the throat and squeezes.
Can you believe there was ever a time when hospitals allowed smoking in patients rooms?  There was.  I cannot imagine why.  I also cannot imagine why they would put me in a room with a mother and her baby.  It  felt cruel.  But we, who thought we knew everything, knew nothing.
Somehow we recovered, mostly because we have amazing family who rallied around us.  Christmas was very hard that year, but I remember it more clearly than most other Christmas' in my past.  Maybe there needs to be pain in life before one even realizes one is alive.  Maybe.  Now I know that I don't know very much about anything.
Thirty two years ago was one of the happiest days of my life.  THGGM and I brought home our beloved Oldest Son.  Can you imagine the difference that year meant?  A sad day made happy.
And more happy events followed.
Beloved Daughter.
Beloved Youngest Son.
Even though we remained poor in material things, happy times filled the world of our little family.  Much of our time together now is filled with the strange quotes only family can understand.  You'd have to be one of us to know the meaning of "How are you going to use your desk, how are you going to use your desk?  How are you?" -  "Well I'm fine dad, how are you?"
Then there's "I don't think Jose is Chinese."  I remembered this one today, as THGGM and I had lunch at Hunan.  Sadly for us, Jose now has Saturday's off.  And, he most definitely is NOT Chinese.
And why when someone in this family trips and falls is the response "I've been trying for the longest time to be able to do that!"?  Only we know.
But on that day thirty three years ago I did not know that three children-in-law would one day join us, and point out just how strange we can be.
I could not have imagined Jonge filling our world with his deep feeling heart.  Or Famke and her made up songs about the events of her day.  Then there's Kado and his need for sameness (That's my sit.).
As our world grew it also shrank.  Within nine months both my dad and mom died.    They did not get to cuddle with Feintsje or watch Hertsje try to take over the world.
Thirty three years is a long time.  There are other doors now with things hidden behind them that I only crack open a bit from time to time.  I look inside, take from the vivid memories what I need to know, then quickly close the door leaving everything just so.
The good memories don't need doors.  They exist in an open floor plan that I can see from wherever I happen to be.
What I knew then could  have fit in a thimble.  What I know now fills this blog.  And I still don't know anything.

Oh.  Another thing I didn't know then that I know now, sometime in June Hertsje will be a big sister.  We could not be happier!
And life, it goes on.
I know that now.